Apr 25, 2014 09:29
10 yrs ago
3 viewers *
Japanese term
Not a translator
Italy
Italy
青く ちぎれながら
Japanese to English
Art/Literary
Music
Dear ProZ members,
I would like to hear your opinions on this wanna-be-poetic expression that's driving me crazy. It's from a song and the singer is talking about her sister, who was killed some time before.
君は風のように
青く ちぎれながら
アスファルトに消えた
How do you interpret the 青く ちぎれながら part? The author seems to be playing with words, and I'm failing to catch what he wants to say.
Thanks!
I would like to hear your opinions on this wanna-be-poetic expression that's driving me crazy. It's from a song and the singer is talking about her sister, who was killed some time before.
君は風のように
青く ちぎれながら
アスファルトに消えた
How do you interpret the 青く ちぎれながら part? The author seems to be playing with words, and I'm failing to catch what he wants to say.
Thanks!
Proposed translations
(English)
| 3 | blue and howling |
Teddy Okuyama (X)
|
| 3 +2 | (fading) into blue and breaking up |
RieM
|
| 3 | blue. Being torn apart.... |
David Gibney
|
Proposed translations
5 hrs
Selected
blue and howling
I know it's easier to split the 2 apart, but I think the author intends them to both describe the wind (i.e. 風のように青く、（風のように）ちぎれながら）.
Also, the wind tears "something" apart, but it usually doesn't tear itself up. In English, we have a limited number of adjectives to describe the wind, and howling was the only one I could come up with.
Like the wind/
blue and howling/
You disappeared into the asphalt
It's hard to be interpretive or make the English "natural" in poems because how would we know what the author intends, and what gives us the right to interpret? The best I believe we can do is be as literal as possible, while taking away the pain of the reader to the greatest extent.
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Note added at 5 hrs (2014-04-25 15:11:02 GMT)
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I just noticed howling is weird because it almost sounds like the person howled, as if he/she were like a wolf....other adjectives could work too, like "drifting" "dancing" "sighing", etc.
Also, the wind tears "something" apart, but it usually doesn't tear itself up. In English, we have a limited number of adjectives to describe the wind, and howling was the only one I could come up with.
Like the wind/
blue and howling/
You disappeared into the asphalt
It's hard to be interpretive or make the English "natural" in poems because how would we know what the author intends, and what gives us the right to interpret? The best I believe we can do is be as literal as possible, while taking away the pain of the reader to the greatest extent.
--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 5 hrs (2014-04-25 15:11:02 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------
I just noticed howling is weird because it almost sounds like the person howled, as if he/she were like a wolf....other adjectives could work too, like "drifting" "dancing" "sighing", etc.
4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer.
Comment: "Thank you very much! I'll try to work out something that fits the contest. Alas, this particular verse is really hellish."
2 hrs
David Gibney
Ireland
Ireland
Native in English
Ireland
Professional, punctual translations
Native in: English 
Works in: Japanese to English, English to Japanese
blue. Being torn apart....
I think it might make more sense to separate the line where the space is.
君は風のように青く (you were blue like the wind)
ちぎれながらアスファルトに消えた (tearing apart as you disappeared into the asphalt)
君は風のように青く (you were blue like the wind)
ちぎれながらアスファルトに消えた (tearing apart as you disappeared into the asphalt)
+2
7 hrs
(fading) into blue and breaking up
Without much context, I'm not sure what the author wants to express here. I just feel that "青く ちぎれなから" both describe how 君 himself/herself is disappearing, instead of splitting the two. Don't you think that's more poetic? Like a candle flame fading slowly, bubbles disappear into the whirlpool, or cherry blossoms falling into the wind?
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